Two paths in front of you. And all you can do is wait.
Wait before you can make certain decisions. Wait before you can move forward.
All you can do is wait for the answer that will change your life. Wait for it to unfold.
This is where I am right now.
Sitting and waiting. Waiting for an answer that will change the direction of my life. It will impact the decisions I make in the next week, next month and next year. And there is nothing I can do to impact the outcome.
NOTHING.
Only the ability to wait.
And let me tell you. Right now, IT SUCKS!
Yes, it’s messy and frustrating and painful.
What is it that I’m waiting to find out?
If I’m pregnant…
The answer to this question changes so much of what is in front of me.
If I am, I get to enjoy morning sickness, exhaustion and a growing belly.
If I’m not, I get to enjoy another round of IVF and the fun of navigating insurance.
I find myself mulling over it all day. When can I test? Did I test too soon? Is that a sign my period is coming? Or is it implantation symptoms? What was it like last month? What was it like with my son? How did IVF impact my cycle this time?
Taking it a step further. Asking others for hope. Asking for insight. Looking up online. Hoping that maybe the answer I want will be found in those others. Hoping that maybe they have a different path to getting a faster answer.
What is all this anxiousness creating for me? More anxiousness and even more anxiousness.
Anxiousness.
It hit me like a brick.
I stopped and started to ask myself this question:
What lesson am I supposed to learn from being in this place of not knowing? What lesson am I supposed to learn from being in the unknown?
Patience.
Patience was the first thing that showed up for me. I knew there was more there so I dug deeper. I took it to my new practice of soul journaling. The answer…
Sit with it.
Be in the mess.
Be present in the uncomfortableness of the unknown.
There is a gift in not knowing.
No, it’s not comfortable to be in it. It’s messy and uneasy.
But the gift is to keep practicing sitting with it.
Sitting in that discomfort.
Sitting in not knowing.
And trusting that in the end I am on the right path no matter what the outcome is. I am on the right path.